Fariy Tales: Really all that nice?

In this post, we explore the semi-convoluted world of the original fairy tales. This is the stuff that got left out of the Disney movies.

Snow White-
Before the evil stepmother gives Snow White the apple, she gives her a new bodice/corset. The corset then magically cinches up, almost killing SW. If not for the dwarves who come and rescue her, she would have died there on the forest floor. This was considered too gruesome for the tender minds of 5-year-olds.

Cinderella-
When the stepmother (there really seem to be a lot of these, don't there?) realizes that there is no way that her daughters will fit Cinderella's slipper (not glass), she resorts to self-mutilation. She tells the first daughter to cut off her toes. She does, and the shoe fits. As she is riding to the castle with the Prince, little birds whisper into his ear "Your true love does not bleed" and sure enough, the sister's foot is bleeding. The prince takes her back to the house. The stepmother then tells the second sister to cut off a bit of her heel. She does, and the shoe fits. Again with the birds and whispering and bleeding. The prince returns to the house, and pickes up the real Cinderella.

Swan Lake-
Really, with all the young and beautiful girls being kept by the evil magician (who turns into this creepy owl), it kind of seems a little kinky-think BSDM.

If I find out about any more of this sort of thing, I'll let you know.

Hey Everybody!

Okay, so I was reading over some of my earlier posts, and I'm just, like, "Hey, Wabson's the only person who read these!" So I am asking you all to go back and read my old posts, just 'cause they're kinda cool, and not yet forgotten. I think. Go on. Why are you still reading this? You should be back at my November archives. Seriously. Go away. Now.

Well, here it is. The long-awaited (sort of) Quote of the Week Special! Cheers! Okay, here we go.

"I'd like a pair of tie-dye bell bottoms. Wouldn't that be GREAT?"
Okay, not the best of starts. But they get better, honest!

"It's impossible. I'ts physically incorrect with physics!
Me, not realizing quite what I'm saying. That happens a lot to me.

"Smile! DON'T make me slap you!"
The lovely Angle's Dandruff, a.k.a Ish, trying to cheer someone up. Her people skills are only so-so.

"Life is all a spasm"
Wabson, describing her own life perfectly.

"I love watercolor pencils. As long as you have a mouth, you can use 'em anywhere!"
again, the ish. This sort of thing happens a lot to us.

"Death to those who eat!"
"You eat."
some people Wabson knows. Try to avoid general "death to" statements, because more often than not, you have unknowingly included yourself in the guilty category.

"Dont' you remember that lab last year that...um..."
"What was the point of it?"
"I don't remember"
Wabson and Ish, Ish not having one of her best days.

"Dang. I sure hope that's Massachusetts!"
Lydia, another friend, trying to label a map. I wonder what would happen if maps created reality. 8th graders trying to label U.S. maps would creat widespread chaos on the east coast!

"People should be free. You know that, I know that, so why are we stuck here"
That's a damn good question.

"Hey, wabson, it looks like you're breeding--I mean bleeding."
Wabson't little sister, who is in...wait, I cant' remember what grade she's in.

"Just because I called you a transvestite dosen't mean you can't hug me!"
from Ish to Lydia. Pretty self-explanatory.

"Ask ME. I know about hats."
"You? Honestly, wabson, you said they could fly."
Wabson decided that for her claymation video in tech class, that since hats were alive (for the purposes of the video) that they could fly. I really don't follow her logic sometimes.

"There's only one thing worse than cheap port--and that's frozen phlegm."
Wabson's mom. Apparently she doesn't like cheap port.

"A boot can do things you can't even IMAGINE."
This guy at my school. What that boot can do, I'm not sure I want to know.

"Why won't they let us in? There's a big fat guy in there who'll protect us!"
Me, outside the ski bus, waiting in the cold. The driver is a big fat dude, who calls his bus "Mike's happy bus." The teachers won't let us on until they get there.

If you have any funny quotes (0nly ones that you or your friends have said--none of those big famous ones) just let me know and I'll add them!

I got this as chain mail, but it was really funny...

Only in America ......

1. can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America.......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America ....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Greek meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER.

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do you park in the drive way and drive on a parkway?

Why is a foul pole called a foul pole, when if the ball hits it it is fair?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost." (but, it's "just a suggestion.")

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
body." (No duh!)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or
operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...
I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about
a news flash)

On Peanut M&M's" "Product may contain nuts." (Well, I sure HOPE so. I paid for the peanuts, and they's damn well better be there!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere? But is it okay to try and stop it with, say, your foot?)

Like it?

Coming up next: Quote of the Week Special!